In The Local News...

Legendary Choral Director Visits Local Insane Asylum...

Yesterday, Legendary Choir Director, Ben Singing, visited the Purgatory Home for the Mentally Disturbed. In honor of his visit, the Asylum Choir performed in the Courtyard singing  "Ave Maria" and sang it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

The visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor of the choir. "I have been a choir director for more than 25 years," he said "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they
called?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

Black Bears to be Relocated to the Timberline...

The aftermath of last year’s drought is still showing its effects in the Purgatory area.  With the lack of rainfall over the past 2 years the bear population in the area has taken to foraging for food on area farms and in the trashcans of local residents.  While the city has been warned that the bears intend no harm they are still the cause of many sleepless nights.

On Thursday a group of farmers met with the Colorado Wildlife Commission in hopes of finding a resolution to the problem.  Agent Wilbur “Hog” Wilds, in conjunction with the Claude and Bittem Circus and the Purgatory and Devil River Railroad, presented a proposal for trapping the wandering bears in large cages. The circus will loan the Commission several large cages in which they plan to trap the bears.  The cage will be winched onto a railcar that will then be hauled up to higher elevations and the bears released.  

Agent Wilds said, “We feel that this is the safest and most humane way to handle the situation.  We are also planning on airlifting food for the bears into the relocation area in hopes that they will stay in there for the winter.  We discussed several options but we feel that the Bear Winch Project is the best way.”