Saturday September 7, 1957

Outbreak of Illness Creates Panic In Purgatory

Purgatory Health Department has determined the outbreak of illness that has swept through Purgatory (like Sherman swept through Atlanta) can be blamed on airborne bacteria. PHD representative Anne Thrax  addressed a gathering at City Hall last night to assure area residents the local government is doing everything they can to protect its citizens and bring an end to the infections.

As area residents panic and rush to the pharmacy to buy antibiotics, PHD warns against unnecessary doses of antibiotics.

Infections from the bacteria can cause fever, headache, stomach cramps and dizziness. The antibiotics can cause fever, headache, dizziness, difficult breathing, stomach cramps, night sweats, warts, lesions, internal bleeding, blurred vision, hair loss, deafness, extreme weight loss and some have reported the development of webbed feet.

Local resident Donald Dukk swears he never had webbed feet before taking the medication known as UGROWEBS manufactured by pharmaceutical giant, Urenot-Welcome.

Tom Mycan, owner of the local shoe store, disputes Dukk’s claims stating “I’ve known Donald all his life and I’ve always had to special order his shoes. He has worn XXX wide shoes since he was a little Dukkling. He didn’t get the nickname ‘Webb’ for nothing.” 

Editor’s Note:  Mycan, who has appeared at the local Laugh-a-Thon Comedy Club was especially proud of his “little Dukkling” comment and plans to work it into his act. Don’t miss it unless you possibly can.

Read the Headlines