Saturday September 21, 1957

This Week In the News...

Area News

Purgatory Count Probate Court will preside over the estate of Dee Parted on Tuesday of next week. Dee passed away yesterday and despite the pleadings of local attorney Dewey Cheatum, she expired without a will. Mr. Cheatum quoted Dee's opinion of wills as "Why should I spend money to write a will, they are nothing but a dead giveaway!"

When Aspen Flats Mayor Charles Kirk discovered his daughter Alice was "in a family way" he marched her and her boyfriend, David Davis to the Justice of the Peace on the business end of a shotgun. Davis was quoted as saying "The decision to marry was simple. It was a case of Wife or Death!"

At daybreak yesterday a sleepy farmer dozed off and crashed a truckload of chickens.  The truck overturned and the cages containing live chickens broke open and the frightened chickens were running across the highway into town. The scene was described by Purgatory Sheriff John Lance as a "classic case of poultry in motion."

Local Psychic and Soothsayer, Dinky Dan has branched out and now offers Exorcisms to his service offerings. Dan wants to advise his potential customers in advance. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

Upholstery shop owner, Ben Stitchin, accidentally fell into his upholstery machine on Friday and was slightly injured, but he is now fully recovered.

Dr. Chuck "Pokey" Lind offers acupuncture to Purgatory and surrounding area residents.
Acupuncture is a proven treatment where needles are inserted into specific areas of the body to relieve aches and pains. Doctor Lind recommends acupuncture for a number of medical issues and says "when it comes to acupuncture, there is nothing like a jab well done."

Path of Destruction is Enormous

Not since the tornado of 1904 has the town of Purgatory seen so much destruction in a single night. A drive around town presents clear evidence of the disaster and the extent of the damage. Fences are destroyed, swing sets are mangled, and dog houses are only piles of rubble now. Fred Miller's fancy new above-ground pool is now a heap of twisted metal and shredded vinyl. All over town, cars are damaged, mailboxes have been smashed, shrubs are destroyed and local resident are feeling lucky to be alive. Purgatory Sheriff John Lance has arrested a local woman and she has been charged with malicious property destruction and drunk driving. Judge Noose has scheduled a 9:00 preliminary hearing to review the damage inflicted on the community by Sue Nami.

 

Local Man Investigated by Postal Inspectors

Czechoslovakian-born Pavlov Zapotocky was arrested and is being held pending the outcome of a Postal Inspector's investigation. Pavlov wanted to visit his Grandmother in Ridgway for Christmas and decided he would allow himself to be sealed inside a large box and be dropped off at the Post Office. The plan was for the Post Office to deliver him in time for Christmas. Unfortunately, Pavlov was discovered by a Postal employee who found his box upside down and Pavlov groaning in pain.

After his arrest, Pavlov used his 1 phone call to tell his mother that he had been arrested. During an interview with his mother she told us the grandmother would be very disappointed when she calls her to tell her that Pavlov would not be coming for Christmas. "Especially since I had already called her and told her the Czech was in the mail."

 

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